Maybe because we’re all in such memorializing moods these days, I’ve been thinking a lot about 1 of my all-time favorite comedians, the late Mitch Hedberg. I’ve paid homage to him before; he was a great one for food jokes. Whether or not his gloriously apparent preoccupation with snacking was a reflection of his tragic drug habit, he had a gift for the grub gag.
Of course, he had a gift for the guffaw regardless of the topic; you can read a fairly comprehensive sampling here. Or, better yet, you can buy his CDs—including the 1 titled Strategic Grill Locations or the 1 that pictures him drinking a Coke—here.
I was gonna get a candy bar; the button I was supposed to push was “HH,” so I went to the side, I found the “H” button, I pushed it twice. Fuckin’ potato chips came out, man! Turns out they had a “HH” button. You need to let me know. I’m not familiar with the concept of “HH.” I did not learn my AA-BB-CCs, god god dammit dammit.
I like vending machines ’cause snacks are better when they fall. If I buy a candy bar at a store, oftentimes I will drop it, so that it achieves its maximum flavor potential.
This is what my friend said to me; he said, “Guess what I like, mashed potatoes.” It’s like,”Dude. you gotta give me time to guess. If you’re gonna quiz me, you must insert a pause in there.”
A burrito is a sleeping bag for ground beef.
When you buy a box of Ritz crackers, on the back of the box, they have all these suggestions as to what to put on top of the Ritz. “Try it with turkey and cheese. Try it with peanut butter.” But I like crackers, man, that’s why I bought some, ’cause I like crackers! I don’t see a suggestion to put a Ritz on top of a Ritz. I didn’t buy ’em because they’re little edible plates! You’ve got no faith in the product itself.
I think they could take sesame seeds off the [McDonald’s] menu and I wouldn’t even care. I can’t imagine five years from now saying, “Damn, remember sesame seeds? What happened? All the buns are blank!”…How’s a sesame seed stick to a bun? That’s fuckin’ magical! There’s got to be some sesame seed glue out there! Either that or they’re adhesive on one side. “Take the sesame seed out, remove the backing, place it on the bun. Now your bun will look spec-tac-u-lar.” What does a sesame seed grow into? I don’t know; we never gave it a chance…What the fuck is a sesame? It’s a street… It’s a way to open shit…
I like baked potatoes. But I don’t have a microwave oven, and it takes forever to bake a potato in a conventional oven. Sometimes I’ll just throw one in there, even if I don’t want one. ‘Cause by the time it’s done, who knows?
I went to a pizzeria, I ordered a slice of pizza, the fucker gave me the smallest slice possible. If the pizza was a pie chart for what people would do if they found a million dollars, the fucker gave me the “Donate it to charity” slice. I would like to exchange this for the “Keep it!”
I like rice. Rice is great when you’re hungry and you want 2,000 of something.
If I was on death row and given one last meal I would ask for a fortune cookie. “Come on, ‘long prosperous life!'”
(Talking about his drink onstage) Look at all the limes in this goddamn thing! This fuckin’ thing is tropical! Look at the limes, how they float. That’s good news. Next time I’m on a boat and it capsizes, I will reach for a lime. Like I’ll be water-skiing without a life preserver, people will say “Shit!” and I will pull out a lime. I’m saved by the buoyancy of citrus.
My manager saw me drinking backstage and he said “Mitch, don’t use liquor as a crutch.” I can’t use liquor as a crutch, because a crutch helps me walk. Liquor severely fucks up the way I walk. It ain’t like a crutch, it’s like a step I didn’t see.
What am I drinking? NyQuil on the rocks, for when you’re feeling sick but sociable.
I’m an ice sculptor. Last night I made a cube.
I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, “Dude, you have to wait.”
I saw this dude—he was wearing a leather jacket, and at the same time he was eating a hamburger and drinking a glass of milk. I said to him, “Dude, you’re a cow. The metamorphosis is complete. Don’t fall asleep or I will tip you over.”
I had a piece of Carefree Sugarless gum and I was still worried. It never kicked in. I took it back to the store and said “Bullshit!”
I like how a duck’s opinion of me severely depends on whether I may or may not have bread.
I can’t wait to get off the stage, because I’ve got some LifeSavers in my pocket and pineapple is next!
The best for last:
When you go to a restaurant on the weekends and it’s busy they start a waiting list. They start calling out names, they say, “Dufresne, party of two. Dufresne, party of two.” And if no one answers they’ll say their name again. “Dufresne, party of two, Dufresne, party of two.” But then if no one answers they’ll just go right on to the next name. “Bush, party of three.” Yeah, what happened to the Dufresnes? No one seems to give a shit. Who can eat at a time like this? People are missing! You fuckers are selfish. The Dufresnes are in someone’s trunk right now, with duct tape over their mouths. And they’re hungry. That’s a double whammy. Bush, search party of three! You can eat when you find the Dufresnes.
Bonus food joke no. 21 here.