Miscellany & Poetry - On food, wine, film, lit & then some.

Basic Microwaving Lesson 3: “Provide an opening for excess steam to escape.”

That’s for the plastic wrap.


As for yourself—once you have, per the photo instructions, ripped out your own throbbing stomach and those of your loved ones for supper,


you too will probably need an opening through which to escape. We suggest a rift in the space-time continuum, where no one can hear you steam.

Basic Microwaving Lesson 2: “Gray color will turn brown.”

And brown may turn gray, because these burgers will age you. Here you were, just trying to make their jobs easier by upgrading their facilities from dirty old grill to gleaming new microwave oven, and what’s your thanks? They go on strike.


Send in fresh patties all you want, they won’t cross the picket line; it says so right there: “surface will not be crusty.” They’re no scabs.

Basic Microwaving Lesson 1: “Roast is easier to carve after standing.”

Not this roast, though. This roast is easier to carve after sitting, and taking deep, slow breaths, and puking. And then passing out cold. For hours. Naked.

One man’s roast is another man’s flayed monkey skull, I always say.


Who knew basic microwaving could be so complicated…

that it required a 160 page instruction manual complete with index…

…& yet so disco superfly that it doesn’t cook your food so much as have a mesmerizing strobe effect on it…

Do the hustle!

…& yet really so horrifyingly twisted as to make your food’s head explode, like Francis Bacon invented kitchen appliances…




…whose sci-fi source of energy turns out to be spiders on drugs.


Stay tuned to learn the basics—if you dare.