which I’ve forbidden the Director to use ever again unless he grows a handlebar & wears one of these
(image unwitting courtesy of this blog)
& one of these;
these tractor lights we bought in a genuine 5-&-dime in Lansing, Iowa;
this shrine to St. Genesius, who protects against seizures, which the Director has been known to have, complete with several hospital ID bracelets & 4 foam monitoring electrodes;
& these wacky foodstuffs I purchased from among the dairy cases full of nothing but fresh sheep’s-milk cheese, the aisles devoted to imported biscuits & crisps, the others crammed with 1000 kinds of vegetable pickles & spreads (including, I swear, 100 kinds of avjar alone), the sausages behind the counter & all the other Bulgarian specialties at East Europe Market, which apparently not many people besides this guy & I have managed to catch a glimpse of from behind the Hooters at the corner of South Colorado & Arkansas:
In addition to the 1st 4 ingredients—pork fat, pork liver &, uh, pork, plus water—this Croatian curio also contains milk, dried onion & salt. Not sure where the tea comes in. Maybe they just tacked that word on there to make “pork” sound more civilized, like “ladies, won’t you please partake of this bobbin-lace head cheese or some string-quartet haggis?”
Okay (she squeals with glee), now this one is just too good to be true. For a buck 99, I just got me a can of lobster, whiting, tomalley—you read me, the lobster’s so-called liver (a load of crap, literally, if you ask me; livers aren’t green, unless the lobster’s had a string of especially tough nights)—butter, cream, milk, fish broth, farina (wheatmeal—think gruel), soybean oil, carrots, celery (I so did not see fresh produce coming), reconstituted onions (more like it) &, I shit you not, cognac. It says “chill before serving,” but I’m not sure I can. I’ll have to take a pill first. Heh.
Best of all, check out the bottom of the tin! I don’t even have to open it, I can just set it on the table upside down to impress all my fancy party guests. & then I can put it away til the next shindig! It’s an eternal feast in a 2 oz. package.
As for this, it seems to be basically a paprika-spiked tomato paste.
That or some sort of over-the-counter ointment. You know, just to spice up the old personal-hygiene routine.